a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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