Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
