I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
