My sheets look like a crime scene.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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