i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
