So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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