Cold hands, warm shart.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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