its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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