yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
