I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
