take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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