he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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