"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
