I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Randomize
