now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
