paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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