saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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