this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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