These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
