I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
