i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
