You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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