don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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