I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
