I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
