i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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