I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
