I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
