ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
