So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
