At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
