I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
