Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
