I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
