Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
