Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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