I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
