You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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