Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
