i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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