I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
