I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
