he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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