so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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