I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
