I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Jerry, you need to find god
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
