i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
