And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
