He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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