if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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