The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
